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When I was looking for a dog, I came across a quote to the effect of "Whoever said money can't buy happiness never bought a puppy." In the last few weeks, I have had that thought cross my mind on many occasions--when the kids are laughing or when I am holding sleepy, soft, cuddly little Molly. Our world is kind of revolving around her right now--Steven took 100 pictures or so of her the other day. Of course, only one or two was in focus. She doesn't slow down very often. In all fairness, more often than the happiness quote, I've wondered if I have gone crazy to bring home a puppy. She is as much trouble as she is fun! Time will tell if I'm crazy or used my money wisely in this endeavor. So many things happening these days--this post could get long and boring. Steven had his birthday--lots of celebrating. Cancer survivors can really appreciate birthdays, and we are no exception. He continues to inspire me. The other night as he was getting read...

I've been thinking about the old year and the new one...lots of thoughts. The Mayans thought the world would end in 2012. At one point, I thought mine would too. And then the world just kept turning around and I am still going with it. When 2012 started, I had a feeling in my bones it would be eventful. I get everyone's Christmas letters and most years I think "I'm off the hook--nothing much has changed around here." Last year I envisioned how I would send out a Christmas card announcing a new house and a new baby a trip to Hawaii and Steven cancer free and walking. Some of my dreams came true. But when December came, I found I couldn't write anything Christmas cardy at all--to tell bad news hardly seemed festive. My family pictures all seem incomplete and so I passed this year. Not all surprises were bad. To be honest, at one point I didn't think my sister, Alisa, would still be around. I'm so glad that I was wrong. She shows me eve...

I'm about to go to bed on Christmas night and I'm feeling good that got through the day and my kids are no worse for wear. I have had a very reflective month and have enjoyed the music of the season. But shopping and baking and all those other motherly Christmas responsibilities have had no draw. Christmas is magical, but I was afraid that without me working my mommy magic, my kids would be disappointed. I'm happy to report that Christmas came all the same around here and thanks to many people like grandmas and Rob and neighbors and doorbell ditchers and friends and aunties, the magic was here. My big plans for the Christmas surprise I mentioned in my last post didn't work out. I wanted to give my kids a puppy. They had to settle with a stuffed animal and a coupon instead. You should have seen how excited they were about that! I can only imagine how a real life Christmas morning dog would have animated them! The search continues, but I sure wish I had that ...

Today Steven had his one year exam/scans/labs/Dr. appointments, and everything looked great. Both Dr. Jones (his orthopedic surgeon) and Dr. Wright (his oncologist) thought he looked amazing. Dr. Jones was super impressed with Steven's Xrays--his leg has healed beautifully from the break last year about this time. We saw Dr. Jones before we went to the oncology clinic and he told us that Steven's chest CT was clear. That was a huge relief and we knew that by about 11am, so we were able to relax and go to lunch before Steven's clinic appointment. Steven was just thrilled and became his usual happy and enthusiastic self. After his appointment with Dr. Jones, he went into the waiting room and announced his good news to the friends we had made while waiting. I really can't express just how grateful I am. I've been going over in my mind how I would be able to handle bad news right now and I couldn't quite envision a good scenario. Thankfully that was a fruit...

I have been feeling like I should post something, but I can't believe how hard that is for me to do right now. It seems like doing much of anything is hard these days, let alone spilling my guts to the public on my blog. While lenghty, this is still a very vague report of some of the things I've been feeling lately: I have certainly been feeling depressed--or is it just the grief? I don't know if there is a difference, but everything I do is slow and difficult. The other day I told Laura she had to wait until I took a shower to watch a TV show. After I got the kids off to school, I crawled back into bed. Laura kept pestering me to get up and take a shower (so she could watch her show) and so finally I did. I thank Heavenly Father every day for these kids I have--I love them so much and also, without them I might be a permanent fixture in bed! I've been feeling very loved. So many people have done so much for us. I have a stack of thank you cards by my bed a...

The last few weeks have been so emotional for me, and frankly a lot of those feelings are sad ones. But the sadness is often all mixed up with overwhelming love and gratitude. So many people have reached out to us--from our dearest friends and family to people we hardly know. Each card, message, comment, phone call, meal, and gift just means the world to me. Each reminds me that we are not alone. And while I have so many things to be grateful for this Thanksgiving, I think I must say I am most thankful for the people in my life and for all you do for my little family. Thank you!

My sisters and I spent hours looking for the perfect white outfit and blanket to dress Daniel in for his burial. We finally found just the right thing, but it didn't compare to the gentle white blanket that God covered his grave and the whole valley with this weekend. Everytime I looked out the window at the falling snow, I felt like the heavens were crying with me. And part of me was hoping it wouldn't stop so I could just be swallowed up in it too. I had Rob drive me to the cemetery this afternoon--I needed a picture to remember this blanket of white on my baby's grave.