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We were headed to California.  Steven had just had a biopsy of his leg and a confirmed diagnosis of osteosarcoma.  I had never felt such acute anxiety.  I practically hadn't slept or eaten in two days. What a difference the years have made.  It is weird to look back at that experience and feel like a bit of an outsider, when it shaped us so much into who we are today.  I feel like I have forgotten so much, maybe on purpose. Today I found out that my cousin's boy has leukemia.  I can't get him out of my mind.  When I told Steven, his face went white, he was horrified.   I may have mentioned that just as school was starting, a boy at Steven's school, in his grade, was diagnosed with osteosarcoma.  These instances are hitting too close to home, and while I should be some sort of big help, I feel like my hands are tied by the very thing that should make me the most helpful. It's weird.  There is a reason I don't write much anymore--it's part...

I don't post very often anymore, and I have been meaning to post for a week about Steven's most recent scans.  They looked great!  He went in the week before Christmas.  He's had a cough (possibly multiple coughs) since his last scans.   I can't deny I was worried about metastasis.  But I was very busy with Christmas preparations and school events and so I didn't have much time to worry.  Besides, Steven was adamant that everything would be fine. He was right again, thank heavens!  The ECHO was good and so was the blood work as well as the scans. We felt so grateful and happy.  I wanted to shout it out to the world on social media, but something held me back.   The same week as Steven's scans, one bone cancer (Ewings sarcoma) boy got news of relapse and another Ewings patient was waiting on a lung biopsy result, which luckily turned out to not be cancer.   And with all that, a month or so ago, a little osteosarcoma patient who also had a...

It is so crazy to me that of the 400 cases of osteosarcoma every year in the United States, one of them this year is a boy at Steven's school and in Steven's grade.  And from what I understand, his tumor is on the same bone and on the same leg as Steven's. They've never been in the same class, so Steven doesn't know him very well yet.  He's been in treatment for a few months and is getting his surgery this week if all goes well. At the school, the sixth graders and several of the teachers and staff shaved their heads or donated hair to Locks of Love yesterday to show solidarity to this boy.   Steven wanted to be first in line--I think he really wants to do something to help him, and I haven't been the best at finding him an opportunity to follow through with that desire.  I was so grateful that the teachers and kids at school planned this support day at school.   Steven loved it!  Addie has been growing her hair out for some ti...

The kids--all grown up and off to Hogwarts The boy who lived A rare shot of Molly holding still Pumpkin picking--a hard choice Hatching a monarch--an exciting development. Steven played soccer this fall and loved it!  He tried his hardest and got lucky with his team.  They were undefeated this fall. 

Today is Daniel's birthday--I can hardly believe it has been a whole year since he was born and died.  The year has been long in some ways, and yet sometimes a wave of sadness will wash over me that is as fresh as it was a year ago.  It isn't as debilitating now, but I think about him every day. I was thinking about what I wanted to write on my blog for his birthday, and I have decided to share a few things I've learned or experienced with grief.  I am not an expert, but I know more now than I did a year ago.  And maybe something I share can be helpful to someone else. Those first few weeks and months I found the grief very intense.  I would cry all the time and hold his blankets and stay in bed.  I was recovering physically, so that didn't help either.  I think my kids were really worried about me, they hadn't seen me so sad before.  While I was very sad, there was also a very real sense of peace in my heart.  I know that Christ's promise th...

Good news! Steven's scans were good today. Last night as I was saying goodnight to him, I asked if he was nervous and he said, "Not at all. Mom, they are going to be good. Don't worry." He was right, thank heavens! If attitude has any sway on cancer, then he has this thing beat. (Don't take that wrong--I'm all for chemo, trust me! It reminds me of a deep thought by Jack Handy "Dad thought laughter was the best medicine. Maybe that's why several of us died of tuberculosis.") Slightly dissappointing to us was that he has to go back in December.  Not because they are worried, it's just that he needs all his yearly appointments, like an echocardiogram.   Plus, even though we are only weeks away from his two year anniversary of finishing chemo,  it was November when they did his post chemo scans.   And he forgort to drink anything this morning which threw off one of his tests.   So I guess we'll be doing this again sooner than I had...

Summer has come and gone and it was lovely.   The kids are just at the perfect age to be excited about all my adventurous plans.  And they were perfectly happy to hang around at home when I wanted to do that instead.   I was kind of sad to send them off to school this year.   I cried for hours the morning I sent Laura to kindergarten.  It's kind of lonely here in the mornings.  But I have plenty to keep me busy for now.  I'm not sure what it is happening to me.  I used to be on top of my life but as the last few years have presented some serious challenges, I feel like things are starting to break down big time. But today might be the worst day of all to assess my mental health.   Tomorrow Steven has scans.  I am hoping that everything is great, but he has had a cough and lately every single time he coughs, I feel like I did that first time they told me he had cancer.  That fear only lasts for an instan...